Today brings a number of emotions to the table. Eva is doing well after the trach surgery but is now having other issues. She went yesterday for a scope, airway dilatation, and a biopsy of her lungs. We expected to hear that her airway was looking better that the trach was doing its job, and allowing the air way to heal. That was not the case- her airway looked the same -if not worse than the last time. This raises a few questions; what is causing this? After the trach we only have ONE option left. So i wounder, have i done everything I could, or should I be searching for more options. 3 hospitals- over 30 doctors later we still have little answers. The next option is a "Nissin- G Tube" procedure while this is a very common procedure anytime you put a micro preemie with lung disease, heart conditions, and allergic to certain anesthetics it becomes a major surgery. This procedure is where the doctors cut into her esophagus and wrap stomach tissue around her sphincter (sure i spelled that wrong) and then place a feeding tube in her stomach and it goes out of her body so food can be placed in via continuois pump.
So as i sit here in this cafeteria... alone eatting my chicken sandwhich. I have a million things running through my mind. And all i can think about is this family sitting across the room. A woman with a husband and 3 girls-- all running around. The one little one asks is she can haev an ice cream, the mom meanly snaps NO! All i can focus on is the look on the little girls face. This look of disappointment, sadness and anger. All over an ice cream. The mom is eatting an ice cream herself-- how cruel i think. I wounder what feeling Eva has toward me. Does she look at this world and wounder why this has to happen to her, or does she look at this world ready to over come even more. As i make my way back up to her room, i look at her, and all i see is the little girl in the cafeteria.
At that is where i am at now, looking with woundering thoughts all about me... Lunch break is over-- back to the here and now.